City Slickers

Okay, right off the bat - full disclosure: my offspring blogger Andrew, who's far more eloquent, literary, and bloggone more talented at this blogging thing than his old man is also writing blogs on our 2015 road trip on a parallel track. You can read his Pulitzer worthy entries here: Andy's Room

That having been said, knowing that the lad has been penning his own takeaways on our Wild Western Rodeo, I intentionally did NOT read his latest entry on the Cook family's foray into horseback riding.  I did this specifically so as to avoid any accidental swipes.  While I know we're using the same pics (I was the only one who galloped the pathways wielding a camera like a six-gun sideshooter), any recurring bad jokes or reference points are purely coincidental and a testament to mutual blogging idiosyncrasies.  That and the fact that we share the same twisted sense of humor.

So heading into this adventure, in fact, even before we knew much of what we would be doing out West, we knew right away that we were going to weave horseback riding into our itinerary.  And not just a prance around a holding pen, mind you, but a half-day expedition up through the canyons of Utah's Zion National Park into some of the most inspirational vistas we've ever cast our peepers upon.  Any references to Apocalypse's Four Horsemen, I needed to keep to myself.

Now, continuing with the full disclosure, my first exposure to horseback riding was in the early 1970s, when, as a hapless camper at YMCA's Camp Alexander in Pelham, N.H., I climbed atop Creampuff and took a few laps around the fenced-in farmland on Mammoth Road.  And yes, I do still remember that horse's name.  You always remember your first.

The next time I attempted to ride them, I was much older, wiser, heavier and foolhardy when I took to the trails in Townsend with a couple of E Streeters and revisited some of the nuances of wrangling.

So 25 years later, the driving instructions are still the same, right?

Well here's a news flash for all of you thinking about exploring the adventure and banking on the volumes of safety instructions you'll gather on the front end:  there ain't none.

It's true.  We were led into the pen and pointed to our horses.  With a bit of coaxing we were able to mount the stallions, and then got our Horseback Riding 101 Primer:  "Pull on the left to turn left, pull on the right rein to go right.  Pull on them both at the same time to stop.  Okay, let's move it out!"

Clearly, Jackie was expecting more details than that.  Here's she is looking for the directionals.

I pulled out my Dothraki dictionary, and asked in my best Khal Drogo voice:

HASH YER RAY TIH HRAZEF ANNI?

They pointed me toward him, and we bonded, like any good Dothraki warrior would.

And with that, we were off!

For obvious reasons, Jackie and I couldn't get the scene from City Slickers out of our heads when Billy Crystal was singing the tune from Rawhide on his Western adventure.  You know the one (click here if you need a reminder) - Rawhide

'Course, Billy Crystal's version added a line about his ass cheeks.

So as seasoned riders, naturally, in the first minute atop the steeds, it was time for a stream crossing!
First up is the prettiest damn cowgirl Zion has seen this century, Heather, riding atop Kitten!

Next comes our resident cowboy Andrew, gallantly riding atop Fancy

Calamity Jane herself, Jackie rides her noble steed Charlie into the annals of Wild West lore

And finally, taking up the rear, comes a rider atop a pale horse, Hellblazer.  His name was actually HB, I just thought Hellblazer sounded muy macho.

I was also channeling my best Johnny Cash - When the Man Comes Around:

And I heard as it were the noise of thunder

One of the four beasts saying 'Come and See' And I saw

and behold a white horse

Click Here: The Man Comes Around to hear that haunting classic. 

Yeehaw!

I neglected to mention, there was one another piece of instruction they provide:  try to follow the horse in front of you.  That we could do.

Just scroll through this next batch of pics and bask in the wonder of Zion, not to mention the wonder of a group of city slickers holding their own in the Wild West

At the halfway point, Sheriff Andy and Bullseye rode like the wind.

Heading into the home stretch, Heather had the hang of the whole steering mechanism

We stopped here for some sage wisdom.  A plant, we learned, that the horses love to nibble upon.

Our tour guide, Jim, regaled us with cowboy stories throughout our three-hour voyage.  Most of them, though, are not appropriate for print in a family blog.

Finally, back at the More-Than-Okay Corral, we dismounted and walked with funny gaits back to the nearby visitor's center.

Did I mention this was also unanimously the most memorable and favorite stop on our road trip?  Seriously, this will mark one of our most unforgettable family experiences ever - with our new extended family - Kitten, Fancy, Charlie, and Hellblazer.

So farewell, Zion, you boast an indelible pocket of time for this foursome.

To quote, if I may, from Isaiah in the Bible: "And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing; everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorry and sighing shall flee away."

So on that holy note, naturally, it's time to head next to the City of Sin.